What I Want To Be When I Grow Up

For the first few years of my childhood I had decided that I wanted to be a ballerina. Dancing was, and still is, my favorite activity. If I could dance for a living while looking beautiful in my tutu, that would be the day that I made it in life. It all started with The Nutcracker. My wonderful mother told me and my sisters that she would take us to the ballet for our 5th birthday. It was something that I looked forward to as the time neared for me to dress up and go observe the ballerinas dance so angelically. When the day came, I was not disappointed.

The grace and beauty and peacefulness of the ballerinas inspired me at a young age. How they were so careful with every step they took and how their choreography was meant just for the music that was played by the orchestra… It all was so beautifully done. My eyes were pried open when I sat in that theatre.

You have probably already assumed the obvious: I am not a ballerina. Because over the years I went from wanting to be a ballerina to a teacher, a doctor, a veterinarian, a singer, a “rockstar” (probably because I watched so much Hannah Montana), a writer, a composer, and a screenwriter. Somewhere in the mix, I think I wanted to be a pastor. I would have never admitted this because I was a pastor’s kid. Or as the pastors’ kids call it, a “PK”.

Growing up in the church was so good for me and God knew that when He was planning out my life. He knew that seeing my dad pastor to the young people in our church would grow inside me a desire to minister to young people. He knew that I needed to grow with people who would care enough to teach me the Bible and why people believe in it. He knew that I would be doing who-knows-what if I hadn’t been connected in my youth group every week and weekend. He knew that the church wass where I would grow best.

While I was growing up, specifically in middle school, I denied the possibility of being a pastor or being in ministry of any sort. At this time I wanted to be a musician and travel the world. College was the last thing on my mind. But as I stayed connected in the church, opportunities kept knocking at my door for me to serve and lead. I never said no because I loved serving in the church. Even though I wouldn’t admit to having a desire to minister to people, I loved ministering to people! It was at first through music, then Bible studies, then speaking in front of my peers. God gave me all of those opportunities in the church.

The reason I tell you all of this is because even though I don’t know all the things I will do with my life, I still know what I am doing today. Isn’t today  yesterday’s future? Can’t we live it now?

Yes, some of us may be young and in high school or college. We are still figuring out a major and a profession that fits us best. Those things are important, but to get there, we need to be in the here and now.

Like I said, I’m what you call a “PK”. My dad has been one of the greatest inspirations in my life. His wisdom has affected my life greatly. One of the things that he has told me for many years is that to figure out what you need to do in your future, you need to look at events from your past as puzzle pieces. Look back to the most significant events in your life that helped shape who you are today.

Maybe one of your pieces would be winning the Science Fair in fourth grade. Maybe you remember being a helping hand to someone who got hurt on the playground. You may even count one of your puzzle pieces as the time your parents got divorced or a really bad break up. One of your puzzle pieces could be giving a speech in class, scoring the winning point, or creating your best painting you’ve ever painted. What are those things that brought you here today?

What I’ve learned from my dad and many others is these puzzle pieces need to be put together. When they are put together, they can create a picture of a map. It can show you where you have been and a sneak peek of where you are going.

You have a calling and a purpose. I don’t know if anyone has ever told you that before. I believe that every single person has a purpose in this life. You aren’t just here to waste air and be someone that others can be compared to. You are unique and talented. Maybe not in obvious ways. Maybe your talents need to be unpacked and developed. That is okay. I am still figuring out what gifts God has given me in certain areas of my life. We are always learning. We can always grow. Look for the special gifts and abilities that you see in yourself and develop them.

I am 19 years old. I don’t expect you to think that I am some intelligent, put-together adult that can help you figure out life. But what I’ve learned from the amazing people God has put in my life, is that we may never be sure of where to go next. We may never be sure of our calling for tomorrow. It may be different than today’s.

I know that for me, I am resting on God’s plan for my life, not mine. Who knows what He will ask me to do tomorrow? I don’t! But day by day, I am saying yes to where the path on my map is pointing. The puzzle pieces in my life give me just a little picture of my life’s road map. I don’t have the full picture yet because I haven’t lived my whole life yet! But right now, this small picture can help me find the other pieces that I can add to the puzzle.

God has put significant puzzle pieces in your life. Even if there is hurt and pain in your life, God can use that pain and heal it. He didn’t want you to go through that, but can use it to create a puzzle piece of the bigger picture. He wants to use that because He doesn’t want to see that piece clogging up your life anymore with pain and regret. He wants more for you.

You don’t need to have life figured out. I am very blessed to have people in my life who repeatedly tell me that. Now I want to tell you. You don’t need to have life figured out. But if you want someone to guide you and help you figure out the best path for you life, I’ve known God to be a pretty great friend for adventures. He will go with you and He will never leave you.

This season of life is exciting for me because I am majoring in Christian Ministries and have no idea what that will mean for my future. I know that I’m supposed to minister to people but who knows where? Not me! That is why I am trusting in God to lead me to more open doors with more opportunities. He gave them to me before, so many years ago. He is and will continue to bring more opportunities for puzzle pieces.

What do I want to be when I grow up? I think that is a silly question. The better questions is where do I want to be when I grow up?

I want to be on the right path set out for me.

 

Proverbs 4:26

Watch the path of your feet And all your ways will be established.

Proverbs 3:6

In all your ways acknowledge Him, And He will make your paths straight.

Proverbs 3:5

Trust in the LORD with all your heart And do not lean on your own understanding.

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Trust Issues

I want to be authentic. I want to be real. I hope that is what we all try to be. And if we are honest, while we are trying so hard to be real and be the best person we can be, we fail. A lot. I fail a lot.

Something that I fail at is trust, but not in the way you think. You see, I tend to trust people too much. When I don’t know where else to go and when I feel all alone, I tend to find the nearest friend to confide in so they can help me get through the rough patch. I trust them to pick up my spirits and carry me through the pain.

My stuff is heavy. My burdens and troubles aren’t light. After expecting my friends and family to carry these things, I’ve seen how many backs I’ve broken with my stuff. It has been a long road and I expected too much of the people that walk alongside me in my journey. My trust weighed heavy on their shoulders and I thought they could help me out of the pit I had fallen into.

I struggle with trusting people too much.

Don’t get me wrong, I love people! I live for friendships and relationships with others. Over these past few months of being away at college, I’ve realized how much I do love people. But I have also realized that my trust in people has gotten in the way of my trust in God.

I have written before about being lonely in different seasons of my life. This is an important topic that I think we need to talk about. A LOT of people struggle with loneliness… more than you think. I often find myself feeling lonely because I was expectant of someone to come through for me and be the “perfect friend” in a single moment. I know that I need comfort so I expect someone to give me the comfort I need. But I rarely find that. And when I do find that, I have slowly figured out that it wasn’t them providing what I needed in that moment, it was God.

Learning to trust in God is a journey in itself. I have trusted God in a lot of areas in my life, yet I still don’t go to Him first when I am struggling with loneliness. The one that is known for being present and with us is the third or fourth one I run to in my times of trouble. I have preached about running to God first time and time again, thinking I had it right. But I want to be honest and say that I am still working on going to God first.

In the moments before I sat down to write this, I had a much needed moment with God. He made me realize how I viewed my circle of loved ones in my life. I trust them too much. I trust them to always make my day better when I’m down, I trust them to always pull through for me even if their schedule is crazy or different than mine, and I trust them to always know what to say when I trouble comes my way. I trust them too much.

The wonderful people in my life have always loved me and cared for me with the gifts and abilities given to them by God. I love them so much for that. But they can never be what God can be in times of trouble simply because, like me, they are human. They cannot fill His place as a Provider and Healer. He is the One that always pulls through, is always able to be with me (because we are always on His schedule), and always has the best words for me when trouble comes my way. I don’t trust Him enough.

People will fail. Yes, people get it right some of the time. But I need to stop expecting the people in my life to be perfect in my time of trouble. They are going to fail me sometimes. When I say that, I say it in the most lovingly way. There is no bitterness behind what I say. Because when I understand that people will fail me, I understand that I fail them! I have failed and will continue to fail people. I’m human and I don’t always get it right. This is an even bigger reminder that my Father in Heaven always does. He always gets it right.

I never want to be a person that holds grudges against people for not following through for me. It is not about me and I do not want it to be. I wrote this post because I want to be real with you. My life is not perfect, I struggle, and I am always learning. I am learning so much about how I’ve been leaning on people for so long that I sometimes forget to look to the Lord when I feel like I have no place to go.

He says this,

“Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.” (Matthew 11:28)

I want to apologize to people that I have made feel like they let me down. I ask for forgiveness for asking you to take my stuff and carry it for me. That is not your job. The wonderful people in my life have always helped me carry the weight on my shoulders so the load is lighter without my asking. For that I say thank you for walking alongside me when the road gets tough. God really used you to help me along the way. I don’t want anyone to think that I don’t appreciate them in times of trouble. God made us for community and like I said before, I love people. Being around people will always cheer me up.

This post may seem random to you.. Maybe even a little sad. These posts that I write are me simply learning and growing as I process more of who I am and who God is. I encourage you, learn who you are and learn who God is. Those two things will get you far.

In whom or what do you put your trust? This is a question I want to ask myself and you, Curious Reader. I hope and pray that God is the answer.